Pray for Ramona
To anyone reading my blogs could you please keep this very sweet girl in your prayers. She is an inspiration to a lot of us and she always has a smile on her face. I have had the pleasure of registering her at the hospital and she truly makes me want to be more positive in my own life. She is facing so much in the next few weeks and I pray for her healing.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I am okay . . .
It has been some time since I have updated any of my blogs so I guess it's well overdue. Life for me has been extremely stressful and hectic with me packing to move my life yet again. I should know by the end of this week if I will be going to Vancouver or not to start my new life. I am praying for a miracle because God only knows I need one.
The past 7 months have been a crazy rollercoaster in my life, so many downs and a few ups. I have been to hell and back, some things in my life seem surreal. I am not going to go into detail of some personal things because they are too difficult to even explain.
I am praying that God will allow me to move to BC so I can start my schooling at Vancouver Film School on January 4th. Right now I need enough money to move my things home and find somewhere to live, time is running out and I am starting to panick. I did have a place to live but it fell through because the landlord was a bit fishy to me and he still needs to send me my money back. It seems I am having no luck with people and money these days.
I just want to be able to live in Vancouver without worrying about money so I can concentrate completely on my studies. Maybe by some miracle this will happen and if not, I guess I am stuck here in Winnipeg for at least another half year.
My health has been good thankfully. Today I had my first migraine in about 6 months, I think changing my eating habits helped but I am overworked and overtired right now. If you can spare a prayer or two I could really use them. I pray that I keep going on the right path to becoming healthier and losing more weight. I am down 38 pounds and by the grace of God I hope to get back to my pre-Winnipeg weight.
The past 7 months have been a crazy rollercoaster in my life, so many downs and a few ups. I have been to hell and back, some things in my life seem surreal. I am not going to go into detail of some personal things because they are too difficult to even explain.
I am praying that God will allow me to move to BC so I can start my schooling at Vancouver Film School on January 4th. Right now I need enough money to move my things home and find somewhere to live, time is running out and I am starting to panick. I did have a place to live but it fell through because the landlord was a bit fishy to me and he still needs to send me my money back. It seems I am having no luck with people and money these days.
I just want to be able to live in Vancouver without worrying about money so I can concentrate completely on my studies. Maybe by some miracle this will happen and if not, I guess I am stuck here in Winnipeg for at least another half year.
My health has been good thankfully. Today I had my first migraine in about 6 months, I think changing my eating habits helped but I am overworked and overtired right now. If you can spare a prayer or two I could really use them. I pray that I keep going on the right path to becoming healthier and losing more weight. I am down 38 pounds and by the grace of God I hope to get back to my pre-Winnipeg weight.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Craft Critique - Craft Product Reviews and Scrapbook Product Reviews: Wreck This Journal by Keri Smith, and a GIVEAWAY!#links
Craft Critique - Craft Product Reviews and Scrapbook Product Reviews: Wreck This Journal by Keri Smith, and a GIVEAWAY!#links
This would be perfect for me, something I could really use right now.
This would be perfect for me, something I could really use right now.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I can't explain . . .
What I have been feeling with all the emotions that have been surging through my body, mind and spirit. I finally told my family about my husband and daughter only because of the tragedy that unfolded a week and a half ago. But to understand it, I have to start at the beginning.
It all started in April, the 9th to be exact. That day I woke up late the same as any other day where I am working late evening shift. I took my medications but for some reason I took more than I should have, I didn't care I, I was fed up with the "crap" that life was dealing me. I walked to my physiotherapy appointment around noon and woke up in the hospital around midnight. I had nearly succeeded in taking my own life but I guess God had other plans for me.
Less than a week later my boyfriend of 10 years broke up with me. I was shocked but after the shock wore off I was happier because I had been miserable for the past 10 years. There was no love, he was more of a best friend than anything.
It all started in April, the 9th to be exact. That day I woke up late the same as any other day where I am working late evening shift. I took my medications but for some reason I took more than I should have, I didn't care I, I was fed up with the "crap" that life was dealing me. I walked to my physiotherapy appointment around noon and woke up in the hospital around midnight. I had nearly succeeded in taking my own life but I guess God had other plans for me.
Less than a week later my boyfriend of 10 years broke up with me. I was shocked but after the shock wore off I was happier because I had been miserable for the past 10 years. There was no love, he was more of a best friend than anything.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Where Have I Been?
I don't even know where to start or where I left off. Life has been hectic and extremely stressful for me. I feel like the "Titanic" right now, I am damaged and slowly but surely sinking. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster and it's never ending. One minute I feel happy and the next I am crying and hopeless. I am getting a little tired of it. I am sick in the head obviously, why don't they just lock me up and throw the key away. Honestly, I am in love with an actor and like that isn't just stupid, like he'd ever want someone like me anyways. I had a school payment due today which I could not pay. I desperately need to pay it, my seat won't be given up but it needs to be paid. It seems that it's one struggle after another for me and I am trying so hard to not give up. Please God just let something good happen out of all this "crap" I just want to be able to move and live in Vancouver and go to school to fulfill a dream.
I am too much of a dreamer and feel like I live in a fantasy world where I wish everything was perfect, and my idea of perfect isn't necessarily your idea of perfect. To me perfect would be that I would have money to move and live while going to school for the next 2 years, to be happy and healthy. That to me would be perfect, it would also nice to be debt free but I think life is just one big debt after another.
Some days, I don't now how I even get out of bed, but somehow, some way I do. I would rather sleep because it gives me less time awake to think about things. I wish I were someone else and not who I am or who I hope to be. My family isn't exactly 100% behind my career change or decision to move to the other end of the country. I have to do it though, for me. I have lived my whole life in a dazed state of mind and through some nearly tragic events I have finally opened my eyes and realized that what I am doing is not making me happy. What I am about to do has me excited to no end. I am nervous, happy, excited and anxious all at the same time. I can't wait to start school and to learn how to "act" I hope that this will get me some jobs in movies and/or television. I won't be picky on the roles, I just want to act and as long as I get paid enough to live on I am happy, I don't need much more than that really.
Yes I have always dreamed of a big beautiful house and a nice car, but I would be satisfied with a small house that is filled with love and a car that runs or a bicycle would be nice too. I want to act and be happy, would be a bonus to have someone that I love so much it hurts.
Well, I guess I better get back to packing, it's not going to do itself. So much stuff and so much I don't want anymore, it's just so hard to sell stuff or get rid of it.
A bientot,
Monique
I am too much of a dreamer and feel like I live in a fantasy world where I wish everything was perfect, and my idea of perfect isn't necessarily your idea of perfect. To me perfect would be that I would have money to move and live while going to school for the next 2 years, to be happy and healthy. That to me would be perfect, it would also nice to be debt free but I think life is just one big debt after another.
Some days, I don't now how I even get out of bed, but somehow, some way I do. I would rather sleep because it gives me less time awake to think about things. I wish I were someone else and not who I am or who I hope to be. My family isn't exactly 100% behind my career change or decision to move to the other end of the country. I have to do it though, for me. I have lived my whole life in a dazed state of mind and through some nearly tragic events I have finally opened my eyes and realized that what I am doing is not making me happy. What I am about to do has me excited to no end. I am nervous, happy, excited and anxious all at the same time. I can't wait to start school and to learn how to "act" I hope that this will get me some jobs in movies and/or television. I won't be picky on the roles, I just want to act and as long as I get paid enough to live on I am happy, I don't need much more than that really.
Yes I have always dreamed of a big beautiful house and a nice car, but I would be satisfied with a small house that is filled with love and a car that runs or a bicycle would be nice too. I want to act and be happy, would be a bonus to have someone that I love so much it hurts.
Well, I guess I better get back to packing, it's not going to do itself. So much stuff and so much I don't want anymore, it's just so hard to sell stuff or get rid of it.
A bientot,
Monique
Saturday, June 20, 2009
My New Violin
I finally got a new violin with the most amazing wood I have ever seen. The back and sides are made with birds eye maple and it's simply stunning, it plays fabulous too. It has a beautiful sound and I have been practicing every day and trying to get back into playing. I hope to learn some new music when I have brushed up on my current songs.
Here are some pictures of my new "toy":
Here are some pictures of my new "toy":
What is life. . .
Got to do with it? Today was a bit of a rough day for me, I have been crying a lot and can't seem to shake it. I think part of the reason I feel this way is all the stress I am under. I don't seem to deal with stress as good as I could, it makes me more depressed and very emotional and ill. Things are good but if only I could control the stress in my life. I am trying really hard.
I did however, find a great place to live, a place where I know my creative juices will be able to flow, I will post some pictures of my new apartment. I really lucked out and found a great place for a steal of a deal. I will be looking after the place for the owner until he returns to Canada. It's fully furnished so I can sell all my "crappy" furniture and move into a chic space.
I just need to come up with $3000.00 somehow for school and whatnot, sure has been hard paying all the bills. I pray that I get a government student loan or I won't be able to go to school at all, not sure what I will do then. I am praying for a miracle. I have started packing some small things like books already and thinking about what I don't want, which is a lot.
Something good has happened in my life too but I won't go into details just yet because I am not sure about it. Time will only tell. On another note, I have been fully weaned off of my Prozac and I don't feel any different which means it wasn't doing anything for me. I am glad I am on one less medication, the bill for medications will be cheaper next month that's for sure. Just a little mad that I have a full bottle of Prozac that I won't be using, it was expensive, oh well!
I guess I should go to bed soon if I want to be up early for church, God willing!
Love and hugs,
Monique
So here are the pictures of my new apartment in Vancouver, British Columbia! I have fallen in love with the grand piano and can't wait to tinkle it's ivories!
I did however, find a great place to live, a place where I know my creative juices will be able to flow, I will post some pictures of my new apartment. I really lucked out and found a great place for a steal of a deal. I will be looking after the place for the owner until he returns to Canada. It's fully furnished so I can sell all my "crappy" furniture and move into a chic space.
I just need to come up with $3000.00 somehow for school and whatnot, sure has been hard paying all the bills. I pray that I get a government student loan or I won't be able to go to school at all, not sure what I will do then. I am praying for a miracle. I have started packing some small things like books already and thinking about what I don't want, which is a lot.
Something good has happened in my life too but I won't go into details just yet because I am not sure about it. Time will only tell. On another note, I have been fully weaned off of my Prozac and I don't feel any different which means it wasn't doing anything for me. I am glad I am on one less medication, the bill for medications will be cheaper next month that's for sure. Just a little mad that I have a full bottle of Prozac that I won't be using, it was expensive, oh well!
I guess I should go to bed soon if I want to be up early for church, God willing!
Love and hugs,
Monique
So here are the pictures of my new apartment in Vancouver, British Columbia! I have fallen in love with the grand piano and can't wait to tinkle it's ivories!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Good News
Things are starting to look up in my life and getting better day by day. I am so happy to say that I was accepted to Vancouver Film School for the Acting Essentials and Acting for Film and Televions programs. I am super excited and also scared at the same time. This is a huge move for me and a big change in my life and career. I will be moving to the other end of the country to start a new life on my own yet again. I know that God will provide what I need and I have to keep trusting in Him. He has gotten me through this really rough time in my life and I am starting to feel strong from it all.
I thank God for not letting me take my life because I now realize how stupid it was and that I was so close to death. That alone scares me. I know that my life is what I make it but it took this near death experience to make me realize that I am not ready to give up just yet. I want to do this acting program and hopefully act in movies or on television, it's something creative I can do and it's a challenge for me. Not only do I have major stage fright but I also fear doing anything in front of people. So I am forcing myself into the program hoping to change this and find who I really am.
Praise God for not giving up on me and for me not giving up on myself. I am almost off one of my anti-depressants and being followed very closely by a doctor. He seems to think if I feel the same off of it, then I don't need it. I hope he's right then I will only be on 2 meds instead of three. God grant me the serenity to accept what I can not change, courage to change and wisdom to know the difference.
Monique
I thank God for not letting me take my life because I now realize how stupid it was and that I was so close to death. That alone scares me. I know that my life is what I make it but it took this near death experience to make me realize that I am not ready to give up just yet. I want to do this acting program and hopefully act in movies or on television, it's something creative I can do and it's a challenge for me. Not only do I have major stage fright but I also fear doing anything in front of people. So I am forcing myself into the program hoping to change this and find who I really am.
Praise God for not giving up on me and for me not giving up on myself. I am almost off one of my anti-depressants and being followed very closely by a doctor. He seems to think if I feel the same off of it, then I don't need it. I hope he's right then I will only be on 2 meds instead of three. God grant me the serenity to accept what I can not change, courage to change and wisdom to know the difference.
Monique
Friday, May 22, 2009
Friday Blues
I know that most people think that Friday's are great because a weekend is coming. But for me this weekend I am not really looking forward to being alone and not being at work. I suppose that I will get used to being alone on the weekends but then again I don't know if that will happen anytime soon. I don't need to take up more hobbies but perhaps get back into the ones I love so much already. I may have to just go for a walk and take pictures or bring along my sketch book and draw whatever inspires me. I could go for a walk and find somewhere new to read a book or just relax and breathe in the clean air God gave us. Yes, a weekend is a good time to do anything or nothing at all, in time I will get used to them.
I will have to make some new friends or ask some co-workers to hang out with me or them and their families. What do I do with myself? I am so worried that I am making myself feel worse which isn't really good. It still feels as though I am dreaming and that when I wake up my life will be the way it was in April, everything was okay and there was half the stress. Why can't I deal with a break up as easy as some people? Am I that dependant on a person that I can't take care of myself or learn to?
The only thing I really want right now, is to go back to school and to do something that I have been dreaming of, acting. I have applied to Vancouver Film School and God willing I will be given the opportunity to learn and use my creative abilities to do work that I can shine in. I just have to come up with the $200.00 application fee then I will have a chance. I would also love to find someone to come with me to share a place to rent, would be nice to have someone there or just not feel completely alone in a new province. Then again, I have lived here alone for 9 years so I am sure I can survive for 2 in BC.
Another thing I dream of is my "Edward" yes I am addicted to Twilight but isn't everyone? Don't we all like to lose ourselves in a world where life seems too perfect? I am hoping to find my "Edward" and I guess like the character I have waited a long time for him, but I won't give up or give in to anything less than I want or deserve. Twilight is a story I can't get enough of, it lets me escape my real (horrible) life and dream that I were in the place of Bella, I would give anything to be in her place really. She has everything I want and more. A loving, caring and devoted husband and a family that is close and sticks together. Is that so much to ask for? In this society and day it seems like a long shot but then again I am no normal girl. I think I am a bit old fashioned just like Edward and I need another "old soul" to marry. Only time will tell but time can be my worst enemy or my best friend.
Hugs,
Monique
I will have to make some new friends or ask some co-workers to hang out with me or them and their families. What do I do with myself? I am so worried that I am making myself feel worse which isn't really good. It still feels as though I am dreaming and that when I wake up my life will be the way it was in April, everything was okay and there was half the stress. Why can't I deal with a break up as easy as some people? Am I that dependant on a person that I can't take care of myself or learn to?
The only thing I really want right now, is to go back to school and to do something that I have been dreaming of, acting. I have applied to Vancouver Film School and God willing I will be given the opportunity to learn and use my creative abilities to do work that I can shine in. I just have to come up with the $200.00 application fee then I will have a chance. I would also love to find someone to come with me to share a place to rent, would be nice to have someone there or just not feel completely alone in a new province. Then again, I have lived here alone for 9 years so I am sure I can survive for 2 in BC.
Another thing I dream of is my "Edward" yes I am addicted to Twilight but isn't everyone? Don't we all like to lose ourselves in a world where life seems too perfect? I am hoping to find my "Edward" and I guess like the character I have waited a long time for him, but I won't give up or give in to anything less than I want or deserve. Twilight is a story I can't get enough of, it lets me escape my real (horrible) life and dream that I were in the place of Bella, I would give anything to be in her place really. She has everything I want and more. A loving, caring and devoted husband and a family that is close and sticks together. Is that so much to ask for? In this society and day it seems like a long shot but then again I am no normal girl. I think I am a bit old fashioned just like Edward and I need another "old soul" to marry. Only time will tell but time can be my worst enemy or my best friend.
Hugs,
Monique
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I am still here . . .
Well it's been nearly two weeks since my break up and I am feeling still really lost, not because the relationship is over, just because I am not sure what I am going to do now. I have been dependant upon him for the past 10 years for companionship and so much more. If trying to commit suicide wasn't enough of a dilemma now this. And this past week I have been sick with Gastroenteritis so bad that I had to miss 2 days of work and my voice lesson. To top it all off, today is the anniversary of the murder of my little sister Rosalynn, 17 years ago she was taken away from me in an act of violence I won't ever forget.
Since I won't be going to China this year I have decided that this blog would be better use of the rest of the stuff going on.
It seems when I set my mind about something and it changes, it really throws me back a lot. I am having a hard time coping with my day to day life and it's really starting to get to me. I am trying really hard to not think about tomorrow and just concentrate on today, but that is even hard. I know I have been through worse and don't get how I am having a harder time this time than last. I have been to hell and back and am still here but this small bump in the road is making me more anxious.
Well on a brighter note, I have applied to go back to school, I just have to come up with the $200.00 registration fee somehow. I am thinking that if I am accepted this will be a good opportunity for me and if not, well I guess I will have to think about where I want to be or where I am going. I am not really sure what to do with myself all I know is that I am not happy and I need to find a way to make myself happy.
The weight has been coming off rapidly, only because of a lack of appetite and me being so sick but I am down nearly 20 pounds in the last 2 months, not that I am feeling better about it.
Anyways, today is a gift that is why we call it the present.
Hugs,
Monique
Since I won't be going to China this year I have decided that this blog would be better use of the rest of the stuff going on.
It seems when I set my mind about something and it changes, it really throws me back a lot. I am having a hard time coping with my day to day life and it's really starting to get to me. I am trying really hard to not think about tomorrow and just concentrate on today, but that is even hard. I know I have been through worse and don't get how I am having a harder time this time than last. I have been to hell and back and am still here but this small bump in the road is making me more anxious.
Well on a brighter note, I have applied to go back to school, I just have to come up with the $200.00 registration fee somehow. I am thinking that if I am accepted this will be a good opportunity for me and if not, well I guess I will have to think about where I want to be or where I am going. I am not really sure what to do with myself all I know is that I am not happy and I need to find a way to make myself happy.
The weight has been coming off rapidly, only because of a lack of appetite and me being so sick but I am down nearly 20 pounds in the last 2 months, not that I am feeling better about it.
Anyways, today is a gift that is why we call it the present.
Hugs,
Monique
Saturday, May 9, 2009
My Life
I am so sorry I have not been myself lately, I hope it's okay I tell you why. A few weeks ago I tried to end my life and am just trying to get through the days. My boyfriend of 10 years just broke up with me yesterday and I couldn't be more depressed. It seems everything that can go wrong has for me lately. I haven't touched anything in my craft corner for weeks and just forced myself to make a card for my secret sister on Splitcoaststampers. I feel very lost and I am having a really hard time coping. I haven't been myself for a while and making it through one hour is all I can think about right now. So I am so sorry I haven't been up to posting much.
Monique
Monique
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
No news
Well I have not heard anything about going to China and am getting discouraged. But good news is I am working on my Early Childhood Education diploma to get there quicker. I am on the second module and so far have a %95 average, yay! I am also learning Chinese and it's very complicated but I am having fun doing it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
