Where Have I Been?

I don't even know where to start or where I left off. Life has been hectic and extremely stressful for me. I feel like the "Titanic" right now, I am damaged and slowly but surely sinking. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster and it's never ending. One minute I feel happy and the next I am crying and hopeless. I am getting a little tired of it. I am sick in the head obviously, why don't they just lock me up and throw the key away. Honestly, I am in love with an actor and like that isn't just stupid, like he'd ever want someone like me anyways. I had a school payment due today which I could not pay. I desperately need to pay it, my seat won't be given up but it needs to be paid. It seems that it's one struggle after another for me and I am trying so hard to not give up. Please God just let something good happen out of all this "crap" I just want to be able to move and live in Vancouver and go to school to fulfill a dream.

I am too much of a dreamer and feel like I live in a fantasy world where I wish everything was perfect, and my idea of perfect isn't necessarily your idea of perfect. To me perfect would be that I would have money to move and live while going to school for the next 2 years, to be happy and healthy. That to me would be perfect, it would also nice to be debt free but I think life is just one big debt after another.

Some days, I don't now how I even get out of bed, but somehow, some way I do. I would rather sleep because it gives me less time awake to think about things. I wish I were someone else and not who I am or who I hope to be. My family isn't exactly 100% behind my career change or decision to move to the other end of the country. I have to do it though, for me. I have lived my whole life in a dazed state of mind and through some nearly tragic events I have finally opened my eyes and realized that what I am doing is not making me happy. What I am about to do has me excited to no end. I am nervous, happy, excited and anxious all at the same time. I can't wait to start school and to learn how to "act" I hope that this will get me some jobs in movies and/or television. I won't be picky on the roles, I just want to act and as long as I get paid enough to live on I am happy, I don't need much more than that really.

Yes I have always dreamed of a big beautiful house and a nice car, but I would be satisfied with a small house that is filled with love and a car that runs or a bicycle would be nice too. I want to act and be happy, would be a bonus to have someone that I love so much it hurts.

Well, I guess I better get back to packing, it's not going to do itself. So much stuff and so much I don't want anymore, it's just so hard to sell stuff or get rid of it.

A bientot,
Monique