Friday Blues

I know that most people think that Friday's are great because a weekend is coming. But for me this weekend I am not really looking forward to being alone and not being at work. I suppose that I will get used to being alone on the weekends but then again I don't know if that will happen anytime soon. I don't need to take up more hobbies but perhaps get back into the ones I love so much already. I may have to just go for a walk and take pictures or bring along my sketch book and draw whatever inspires me. I could go for a walk and find somewhere new to read a book or just relax and breathe in the clean air God gave us. Yes, a weekend is a good time to do anything or nothing at all, in time I will get used to them.

I will have to make some new friends or ask some co-workers to hang out with me or them and their families. What do I do with myself? I am so worried that I am making myself feel worse which isn't really good. It still feels as though I am dreaming and that when I wake up my life will be the way it was in April, everything was okay and there was half the stress. Why can't I deal with a break up as easy as some people? Am I that dependant on a person that I can't take care of myself or learn to?

The only thing I really want right now, is to go back to school and to do something that I have been dreaming of, acting. I have applied to Vancouver Film School and God willing I will be given the opportunity to learn and use my creative abilities to do work that I can shine in. I just have to come up with the $200.00 application fee then I will have a chance. I would also love to find someone to come with me to share a place to rent, would be nice to have someone there or just not feel completely alone in a new province. Then again, I have lived here alone for 9 years so I am sure I can survive for 2 in BC.

Another thing I dream of is my "Edward" yes I am addicted to Twilight but isn't everyone? Don't we all like to lose ourselves in a world where life seems too perfect? I am hoping to find my "Edward" and I guess like the character I have waited a long time for him, but I won't give up or give in to anything less than I want or deserve. Twilight is a story I can't get enough of, it lets me escape my real (horrible) life and dream that I were in the place of Bella, I would give anything to be in her place really. She has everything I want and more. A loving, caring and devoted husband and a family that is close and sticks together. Is that so much to ask for? In this society and day it seems like a long shot but then again I am no normal girl. I think I am a bit old fashioned just like Edward and I need another "old soul" to marry. Only time will tell but time can be my worst enemy or my best friend.

Hugs,
Monique

I am still here . . .

Well it's been nearly two weeks since my break up and I am feeling still really lost, not because the relationship is over, just because I am not sure what I am going to do now. I have been dependant upon him for the past 10 years for companionship and so much more. If trying to commit suicide wasn't enough of a dilemma now this. And this past week I have been sick with Gastroenteritis so bad that I had to miss 2 days of work and my voice lesson. To top it all off, today is the anniversary of the murder of my little sister Rosalynn, 17 years ago she was taken away from me in an act of violence I won't ever forget.

Since I won't be going to China this year I have decided that this blog would be better use of the rest of the stuff going on.

It seems when I set my mind about something and it changes, it really throws me back a lot. I am having a hard time coping with my day to day life and it's really starting to get to me. I am trying really hard to not think about tomorrow and just concentrate on today, but that is even hard. I know I have been through worse and don't get how I am having a harder time this time than last. I have been to hell and back and am still here but this small bump in the road is making me more anxious.

Well on a brighter note, I have applied to go back to school, I just have to come up with the $200.00 registration fee somehow. I am thinking that if I am accepted this will be a good opportunity for me and if not, well I guess I will have to think about where I want to be or where I am going. I am not really sure what to do with myself all I know is that I am not happy and I need to find a way to make myself happy.

The weight has been coming off rapidly, only because of a lack of appetite and me being so sick but I am down nearly 20 pounds in the last 2 months, not that I am feeling better about it.

Anyways, today is a gift that is why we call it the present.

Hugs,
Monique

My Life

I am so sorry I have not been myself lately, I hope it's okay I tell you why. A few weeks ago I tried to end my life and am just trying to get through the days. My boyfriend of 10 years just broke up with me yesterday and I couldn't be more depressed. It seems everything that can go wrong has for me lately. I haven't touched anything in my craft corner for weeks and just forced myself to make a card for my secret sister on Splitcoaststampers. I feel very lost and I am having a really hard time coping. I haven't been myself for a while and making it through one hour is all I can think about right now. So I am so sorry I haven't been up to posting much.
Monique